Letters

Dear Snooty PTO Mom,

Thank you for reminding me why I don't volunteer up at the kids' school more often.  The next time I see your name on the sign-up sheet for an event, I'll be sure to look for something else to help with.

Hope You Don't Drown the Next Time it Rains,
Not a Stepford Mom
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Dear Nice PTO Moms,

Thank you for demonstrating what true volunteerism looks like.  Maybe most of you aren't so bad after all.

Sincerely,
The Mom Who Sporadically Volunteers
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Dear Old Man in the Crappy Pick-up Truck,

I realize that our morning routines are similar enough that one of us is stuck driving behind the other most days of the week.  I'm going to make sure, however, that it is you stuck behind me from now on.  There is a fine line between having an opinion and looking like a lunatic; you crossed that line about 18 bumper stickers ago.

Tired of the Visual Pollution,
The Minivan Behind You
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Dear Uterus,

Thank you for your service.  You've carried three beautiful kids and I appreciate it.  However, your job is done.  Please stop torturing me each month.

Miserably,
An Ibuprofen Lover
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Dear Kindergarten Teachers,

You have my respect for dealing with five and six year olds all day.  May I suggest a change, however?  If a little boy has a hard time getting his work done, making him miss recess to finish it is a bad idea.  I promise you, if you'd let him go outside and run off some of his energy, he'd finish his work for you.

Slightly Frustrated,
Liam's Mom
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Dear Girl Scout Cookie Buyers,

Thank you so much for making this a great fundraising year!  However, I'd like to point out that the girls have no control over how much the boxes of cookies cost.  They also don't control the ingredients.  If you don't want to eat trans-fats and GMOs, then you probably need to bake your own cookies.

Just Sayin',
A Thin-Mint Lover
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Dear Girl Scout Council,

I realize you set the price for cookies.  But at $4.00 a box, it is beyond ridiculous that the troop earns only 60 cents a box.

So Ready for Cookie Season to be Over,
A Tired Mom

Why I Don't Like Nigeria

If your e-mail address is in my contacts list, you probably got an e-mail like this yesterday:

I'm writing this with tears in my eyes, I am sorry that i did not inform you about my trip to Manila, Philippines. I and my family came down here to Manila, Philippines for a short vacation and we were mugged at a gun point last night at the park of the hotel where we lodged, all cash,credit cards and cell phones were stolen from us. We have been to the embassy and the police here but they are not helping issues at all, our flight leaves in less than 24hrs from now and we having problems settling the hotel bills.

The hotel manager won't let us leave until we settle the hotel bills, right now we are freaked out, All i need from you now is just a loan to pay for the hotel bills and to get our flight back to the next 24 Hours. I promise to pay the money back to you as soon as we get back home because the hotel manager won't let us leave until i pay for the hotel bills...

I need your help.

Regards,
Jana.

It may have my name on it, but it was not from me.  After some searching, I discovered that someone in Nigeria hacked into my e-mail account and sent that message to everyone in my address book.  All 200 of them.  And my old playgroup.  That's around 500 more people.  And my neighborhood's yahoo group.  That's around 2000 more people.

2700 people got this from me yesterday.  I am so embarrassed.

I spent several hours yesterday changing passwords, asking my e-mail provider to restore my contacts list so that I could send out a warning/apology e-mail and fielding phone calls, texts and FB messages.  At one point, I was talking to someone on my home phone about it when my cell phone rang with someone else.  To top it off, the little boy next door chose that exact moment to ring the doorbell and ask if the kids could play.  That's when I lost it.

Twenty four hours later, I'm pretty much laughing about it because what else am I going to do, but I'm still ticked at the jerk who broke into my account and sent out that trash.

The least he could have done was use proper grammar.  "I and my family"?  Lower case i instead of upper case?  Sheesh.

I did learn a few things from it all, though:

1.  People really do care about us.  One of Ryan's brothers called and left a panicked message on our answering machine because he was worried.  Several more people expressed concern via text and FB messaging, too.  I found this quite heart-warming.

2.  There are people who know me so well that they knew I would not take my kids out of school to go on an international vacation and that even in a panic, I would use the correct grammar when communicating with them (both true, btw).  I found this pretty funny.

3.  I had way too many people in my contacts list.  I spent time this morning deleting and organizing it, so at least something good came out of it all.

So if you see something similar from one of your friends or family members in your in-box, delete it immediately.  And then crack jokes about how they got back from the Philippines so quickly the next time you see them because after all is said and done, they might as well laugh about it.

Oh, The Irony

Before we moved to the Land of Fruit and before we knew Evan was coming along, I decided to open a business making chocolates.  I got a tax ID number, a friend of mine created a logo for me and I was well on my way establishing a line of products and a customer base in our quirky little Big City neighborhood.

And then Evan came along and we had to find a bigger house out in the 'burbs.

I made and sold some chocolates to a few people over the next couple of years, but after three business tax returns in a row reflecting an income of zero, I officially closed the business at the end of last year.  Considering that the new homebaker's state law only allows us to sell cakes, cookies and breads out of a home kitchen, I figured it was the best thing to do anyway.

And then a book club friend asked me to make twenty of these for Valentine's Day:



Then I used the leftover chocolate to make some sweet treats for the kids:


(It's hard to see, but the last one is Chewbacca.)

Evan liked his so much that he wants me to make a bunch of them as the party favors for his upcoming birthday party.

So six weeks after I close a business that has been all but dead for three years I get a couple of orders.

Figures.

My Favorite Girl in the Whole World

This girl surprises me every day.

She's nearly ten and sometimes I catch a glimpse of her in a certain light or with a particular look on her face and I think about how lucky I am and how terrified I am of how fast she's growing up.

She's quirky.  She loves mythology.  She adores Coldpl@y so much that she's chosen one of their songs as her piano recital piece this year.  Her dream is to travel to Europe to see Rome, Athens and London.  She doesn't follow the "in" crowd.  She can't stand Just!n B!eber, doesn't give a hoot about her school outfits or what her hair looks like and doesn't think twice about spending her money at a bookstore rather than on mani/pedis with her friends (yes, girls her age actually do this!).   She's probably the only one in her class who gets excited to watch D0wnton Abb@y with her mother on Friday evenings and I'm certain she's the only one who uses the show as a springboard when coming up with sentences using her vocabulary words: "It was Matthew's destiny to take over the running of the estate".

She starts middle school next year.  Middle school.  I remember middle school.  It was horrible:  changing classes, trying to remember a locker combination for the first time, getting "the talk" in the library with all of the other nervous and giggly girls.  Cliques began to form.  Alliances were made.  Gossip regarding the opposite sex dominated lunch time conversations.  My two best friends moved away the summer before middle school and it became Lord of the Flies in a school setting to those of us who didn't already have a core group of friends.

In our attempts to keep Syd protected from all of the nastiness for just a bit longer, Ryan and I toured and then enrolled her in our school district's GT (gifted and talented) middle school.  She finally passed their dumb test (after being just three points away last year) and earned the opportunity to attend this special school that (supposedly) lets the kids focus more on their interests and less on standardized testing.

It sounds perfect, right?  Well, it would be if any of her friends were going there, but none of them are so she'll be just like me and start middle school without her buddies.  The simple solution would have been to have her attend the GT program at her zoned school, but her friends wouldn't be in her classes there, either.  So it's a new school for my sweet girl.  I'm praying she has a better experience than I did.

I have no idea how to protect her from the inevitable heartbreaks that come with middle school friendships.  How do you explain to a ten year old that some people are just not worth their time when you've spent the previous decade insisting that they treat others like they would want to be treated?  I can remember learning this cruel lesson for myself at that age and for the life of me I cannot figure out how to spare her from the same.  Deep down, I know she  has to learn these things for herself.  It's part of growing up.  It sure does stink, though.

As for some of the other social aspects of middle school, I feel more prepared to help her.  I got this book for her and she has devoured it as if it were an instruction manual.  Sadly, she is Type A like me, so she's going to be in for a shock when she discovers that her experience is not going to be exactly like the one described in the book.  I see myself introducing her to classic Judy Blume books at that point.  And we've already had a couple of versions of "the talk" so she won't be shocked when the counselor pulls the girls together to discuss the change.  I already feel like she's way more prepared than I was, especially when my mother's version of "the talk" was, "Do you know what a pad is?  Good.  Let me know when you need me to buy some."  This is probably more of a talk than she got and it's certainly way more than her mother got at that age.  My grandmother once told me she went six months thinking she was dying from some terrible form of cancer until her older sister clued her in to what was going on.  My kid clearly has no idea how lucky she is.

Of course, middle school could be great for her.  She could make a boatload of friends, find a new bff and have no problems adjusting to the changes she facing.  I really hope she does have a great time and I'll do my best to help her any way that I can.  However, I think I'll stock up on some boxes of tissues just in case; even if she doesn't need them, I have a feeling I will.

On the Positive Side....

So that last post was pretty depressing wasn't it?  In my defense, I was on my third consecutive week of having at least one sick kid at home (strep for one, ear infection for another, respiratory infection for the third) and I'd just had to crawl into the dog crate to clean up vomit before 7:30 in the morning.  No one should have to do that before breakfast.

The dog thing isn't as bad I made it sound.  Yes, he chews on stuff.  And yes, he digs gigantic holes that I'm sure will be the cause of more than one sprained ankle in the future.

But....Max is a dog.

He is not a child.  As much as I like to compare him to a toddler, he is not one.  He will not grow out of most of his dog-like behaviors and I realized that I just have to accept that.  I guess it's like accepting our children for who they are and not who we want them to be.

So I'm trying to adjust my attitude and look on the bright side of things.  Silver linings and all that....

~ The kids don't leave toys all over the house anymore.  They know that Max will chew them up so for the past month, all toys have stayed in bedrooms.  This is marvelous and unprecedented.

~ Because of this, I have not stepped on a single lego brick in weeks.  My feet are thankful.

~They also don't leave backpacks, socks, shoes or jackets on the floor because they know Max will drag them off and chew them up, too.  The entryway is no longer an obstacle course of kid items - hurray!

~ Our carpet gets vacuumed a whole lot more often than it did.  This has got to be better for everyone's allergies, don't you think?

~ The kids really are learning about responsibility.  No matter what kind of mood she's in, Syd is in charge of walking the dog twice a day.  Unless she's sick or it's really rainy, she's out there, poop bag in hand, running down the block with him.  All three kids fight over who's going to get him out of his crate in the morning, fill his water bowl, scoop out his food and do the backyard "poop duty".  Fighting over chores.....I certainly didn't think it would happen in my lifetime.

~ The kids' piggy banks are getting full thanks to the backyard "poop duty".  (We pay them fifty cents per poop.)  Now this may seem like a negative because we're paying them, but they like earning their own money and since Syd is saving up to buy a tablet, she is more than eager to do this while I am off to the side gagging.

~ They really do love that dog.  They pet him, play with him and talk to him all the time.  When Evan had to draw some things that he loves for a Valentine's project, the first thing he drew was Max.


Max is going in for his big snip-snip next week and I'm hoping the drop in testosterone will alleviate some of the really annoying things like the biting.  (Seriously, of all the things he does, I think the biting is the most irritating.)  And if that doesn't help, I'm going to call the woman who posted his picture on the neighborhood message board.  She's a dog trainer and has offered to help us with him since we are brand new dog owners.

So we're in it for the long haul, I guess.  But if you come to my house, don't be surprised to see chewed-up dining room curtains and dog hair on my kitchen floor.  I refuse to replace the curtains just have him chew up another set and I cannot for the life of me sweep up all of the dog hair.  I'm beginning to think it appears out of nowhere; I'll sweep and though the dog is nowhere in sight, a pile of hair magically appears off in the corner or under the sink.  How does that happen?!?

But I'm seeing another silver lining here.....I'm thinking sweeping the kitchen floor can be added to Syd's list of chores since she's so eager to help out with the dog.

Confession Time

Y'all, I can't stand the dog.

I don't like the licking.

I don't like the smell.

I don't like having dog hair absolutely everywhere all the time.

He chews on everything.  My favorite recliner.  The dining room curtains.  The mat by the back door.  My gym bag.  Syd's jacket.  My antique dining room chairs.  I've sprayed them with the bitter apple spray and that works for all of about ten minutes before he's back at it.

The kids get scared of him when he gets in one of his moods: running around frantically and barking.  This could just be his way of "playing", but it's annoying.

He bites when he's excited which is at least twice a day.  He hasn't broken skin yet, but it's just a matter of time.

I can't put him in the back yard because he digs.  And digs.  And digs.  We have have gigantic holes all over the back yard.  I'm half hoping that he'll dig out under the fence and run away.

I know I'm a horrible person.  Who doesn't like dogs?

This month long experience has just proven to me that there really are "dog people" and "cat people."  I am most definitely a cat person.

The kids really want to keep him, but is it fair to keep him here when I absolutely hate him?  Do I break their hearts because he irritates the heck out of me?  Will getting him "fixed" solve some of these issues?

Ryan says we should take him for training (read: I should take him for training), but I don't even know if I want to invest time and money in that.

Go ahead - tell me how horrible I am.  I can't feel any worse about the situation than I already do.

2012 Books

*Edited to add links since ad pictures didn't show up.

At the end of each year, I sit down and take a look at the books I've read so that I can bring some suggestions to my December book club meeting.  I usually have several great novels to suggest, but this year, I came up a bit empty.  And then I realized that I'd spent much of the year reading The Song of Fire and Ice series by George R. R. Martin.

We don't have cable or satellite so I can't speak for the television series based on The Game of Thrones books, but I can say that the books were a lot better than I thought they'd be.  I'm more of a historical fiction kind of girl and I'd describe these as adult-themed fantasy, kind of like Lord of the Rings with a lot of "adult" situations.  I'm guessing this is why the TV series is on a premium cable channel and not a network channel.  Of the five books that are out, my favorite was the third because it was full of plot twists and turns.  If you decide to read the series, I'll give you fair warning that you shouldn't get too attached to any of the characters because the author has no qualms about killing off even the most beloved characters.

My book club read UnWind by Neal Shusterman in November and although I missed the discussion, almost everyone in the book group liked it.  This one falls into the currently popular "dystopian" category and while not as popular as The Hunger Games series (which I read last year but won't review because everyone has already read them), I'd say the plot is just as disturbing.  In this dystopian society (set in the US), abortion has been outlawed, but children are allowed to be "unwound" (full organ/tissue/bone donor) between the ages of 13 and 18 should their parents find them to be too challenging or just unwanted.  This book is categorized in the young adult section of our library and that's probably because the main characters are teenagers, but the topic is definitely an adult one.  I went on to read the sequel, Unholy, and look forward to the third in the series due out next year.

We also read The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri.  In this novel, a young man of Indian descent struggles to find a balance between his family's traditions and the enticements of a modern American lifestyle.  The main character is played by Kal Penn in the movie (which I mistakenly saw before reading the book) so I kept picturing his face while reading, but that was only a slight annoyance for me.  I don't dislike Kal Penn, but I like to develop my own ideas of what a character looks like and that's quite difficult when you've already seen someone else's idea of what a character looks like.  In other words, I wish I'd read the book first, but isn't that always the way it is?

One that I read on my own that I recommended for this year was The Sandcastle Girls by Chris Bohjalian.  I've read several books by this author and all of them are very detail oriented and very different from each other.  This man does his research!  This one made me feel lucky to be a female in the US during modern times (as did books like Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan or A Thousand Splendid Suns by Kahled Hosseini).  This one primarily takes place in Syria during World War I as the Turks systematically slaughtered millions of Armenians while the world watched and did nothing.  The main character is a young American woman who travels to Aleppo with her father to distribute aid to the Armenian refugees.  She befriends a woman and a young girl who have survived atrocities too terrible to mention and falls in love with a young Armenian widower.  If you like this one, you might want to read one of his other books, like Skeletons at the Feast (set in WWII Germany) or Midwives (set in 1980s Vermont).  I really enjoyed those two as well.  Be sure to grab a box of tissues first!

Another one I recommended to my book club was The Dovekeepers by Alice Hoffman.  This also falls under my "happy to be a modern American woman" category.  This one is set in Israel about 2000 years ago when the Romans were doing their best to eliminate the Hebrews.  It follows three women who lived in a desert fortress (parts of which are still standing today) and the lengths they went to in order to survive their time in the fortress and to survive a Roman attack upon it.  It reminded me of Anita Diamant's The Red Tent but there was less "ick" factor.  (If you've read The Red Tent, you know what I'm talking about.)

Probably the final great book I read last year was Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese.  It's what I'd call an epic novel, spanning several decades and generations.  It is set in Ethiopia and the U.S. and revolves around a medical clinic that is staffed by doctors and nurses of Indian descent.  The writing is beautiful and his descriptions of the scenery they encountered and the food they ate made me want to either travel to Ethiopia or find an Ethiopian restaurant.  The love triangles and family deceptions will make you gasp and the love of an adoptive father will make you weep.  Some might call this a great summer read because it is quite lengthy, but if you're cooped up in your house due to crummy winter weather, the combination of this book and a cup of cocoa or hot tea will warm you up.

I read several other books, most of which were "chick lit" freebies for my Kindle.  The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo series was fabulous (violent, but fabulous), but again, most people have already read that series so there's no point re-hashing it.

I'm hoping to read lots of great books this year.  Anyone have any suggestions for me?