Tuesday, May 31, 2011


What do these three things have in common?

Water Boarding, Pulling out fingernails one by one, swimsuit shopping

If you said they're all forms of torture, then you win the prize!  (Not an actual prize, but one of those self congratulatory pats on the back kind of prizes.)

For an hour this past weekend I was tortured.  No, I didn't suddenly find myself in the hands of some North Korean prison guards.  I found myself in two department stores trying on swimsuits.  Ugh.

I've needed a couple of new swimsuits for about a year now.  We go swimming a lot and mine are worn out, as in the little elastic bra thing in the top of my tankini top is no longer elasticky.  I thought I'd take advantage of the Memorial Day sales and get a couple of new suits.  Ha!  Little did I know that no one makes a decent looking suit for a petite mom of three who can't seem to get rid of her pooch of a belly.

Because he truly has a good eye for what looks good on me, I brought Ryan along.  He sat in the "husband chairs" (you know, the chairs right outside the ladies' dressing room), held my purse and shared his opinions on the dozen or so suits I tried on.  To his credit, he didn't once comment on the jiggliness (hey, if Sarah Palin can make up words then so can I) of my thighs.  He did raise an eyebrow to a couple of the more revealing suits.

I discovered a while back that I look best in v-neck clothing so those are the suits that I gravitate toward.  For some reason, swimsuit designers seem to think that women who like to wear v-necks also like to show their wares to every Tom, Dick and Harry.  You know what?  Not all of us want to show that much boobage....some of us just like v-necks!  

So, anyway, the only suit that really fit me was a blue plaid tankini with, I am not kidding, ruffles on it.  Yes, ruffles on a grown woman's swimsuit.  Really?  I felt like Elly May Clampett and vetoed it immediately.  Who in the world wants ruffles around her hips?  Doesn't that just scream, "Look how wide my hips are!!"?

I don't know what I'm going to do.  I really don't want to wear my old suits anymore.  I know kids are often embarrassed at how their moms look in their swimsuits; mine are so bad, I'm embarrassed for myself.  I also don't want to torture myself any further by trying on any more of them.  

How hard can it be to design a decent, dignified yet cute, swimsuit?

If I'm going to wear something that amounts to, let's face it, underwear that is worn in public, I've got to have some standards. 

And apparently current swimwear designers have no standards whatsoever.


  1. Lands End has great suits for "us". Best part: order online, try on in the comfort of your own home and then return to your local Sears store.

  2. I need new bottoms, too. My belly is usually in decent shape- shocking after three kids and no exercise!- but my thighs just get fatter every year, I swear. so I always wear a regular bikini top and then a pair of swim shorts or those little skirts- not flared though ftlog! Because, yeah, one piece swimsuit shopping is pure torture. I did it once, after Addy, when I was determined to never again bare my belly because of the stretch marks. I hated all the bathing suits so much that I just wore the damn bikini top anyways, discovered that a tan will basically mask all stretch marks, and since then that's how I roll. My skirt is currently about twice as long as when I first bought it though, it's so stretched out... Gotta get a new one.

  3. I recently had to do this too. Shockingly enough I found one I liked at Walmart (egads!). I went for the tankini and the bottoms have a little attached skirt to cover my strechies. $30 was a lot for me to spend, kind of made me hyperventilate but not as much as the thought of scarring all the bathers at the state park next time we go should my old suit's elastic finally fail :(
    For some reason I am coming through as anonymous! It's frances :)

  4. This year was especially torture for me being six months pregnant. I'm not a small woman to begin with, so it wasn't any fun. I just went to Academy and bought a tent & some bungee cord and it fits OK. JK - found a suit at Motherhood, but the top could pass for a tent. I'm sure you'll find one soon.

  5. Tien said...

    I agree...it is torture find the right size clothes and shoes much less swimsuits!

    I have super sensitive skin (I can burn in 5 minutes in the sun), so I wear board shorts and a long-sleeve rash guard on top of my swimming suit. I love the sporty look, plus when my kids grab my top and pull it in the water, nothing personal is being revealed, if you know what I mean. :-)