Sunday, July 8, 2007

Helpless (from New Orleans)

I just hate it when babies are sick. Particularly my baby. I feel so useless and helpless.

We arrived in New Orleans late Thursday evening and noticed that Liam was a bit warm to the touch. Luckily, I packed the infant acetaminophen (just in case/because you never know) and we gave him a dose before bed. Poor little guy was up half the night crying and burning up, despite the medicine. He was hot all over; his little hands felt like branding irons when they touched my face. He and I both got about four hours of sleep.

He was running a fever all day Friday and Saturday and has barely eaten anything. We've stopped the solid foods and gone back completely to liquid meals in hopes that he'll stay hydrated. His diapers are still much lighter than usual so now I'm getting really worried.

The worst part of it is the feeling of helplessness on my part. Yes, I can give him medicine, offer him food around the clock and hold him until my arms ache, but I can't make his misery go away. He continues to look up at us with watery eyes with such sadness and desperation as if to say, "You're supposed to help me. Why won't you help me feel better?" And there's nothing more I can do. It's heartbreaking.

At least when they're older, they can tell you what's wrong. But when they're babies all you can do is guess and try to make them comfortable. I think I'm failing on both counts.

We're heading back home later today (still without a stereo) and I'm going to force my way into the pediatrician's office tomorrow if I have to. I dare them to turn me away. Seriously, I dare them. I'm sleep deprived, worried and in "mama bear mode." There's no way I'm taking "no" for an answer.

And if that doesn't work, I'll simply make them look at my sweet-faced boy who is in utter misery. If they can say "no" to his sad eyes, then I'll know they're heartless.

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